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Hogan's Heroes
"GO LIGHT ON THE HEAVY WATER"
Season 1 Episode 9
Deleted Scene
CAST
Hogan
Newkirk
Lebeau
Carter
Kinch
Klink
Schultz
Burkhalter
Capt. Mueller

INSIDE BARRACKS- NIGHT

Hogan and the gang plan to prank Klink and Schultz into believing that the "heavy water" really rejuvenates and gives instant hair renewal. Hogan uses this as a diversion to get the deliveries of "heavy water" right to Stalag 13 and blow them up.

HOGAN
Alright guys, we gotta act fast so we won't wake the Kommandant. I hear he's quite the tosser and talks in his sleep. (Turns to window to look at Schultz sleeping on guard duty) Eh, Schultz is nothing to worry about. He can probably sleep through an air raid. Now, we just need 2 people that are light on their feet. (Eyes Lebeau and Newkirk while holding 2 long-haired wigs)

LEBEAU
Hey! Just 'cuz I'm the shortest of the bunch doesn't mean I wanna go sneak into some kraut's bedroom to stick a mop on his head.

NEWKIRK
(teasing) Well, they don't call you 'cockroach' for nothin'. Plus you got that ballet experience that comes in handy, eh.





LEBEAU
(smirks) And you English with your dainty tea-time. Is that really your highlight of the day? I don't understand how England managed an empire based on tea and snuff. The French know art and love. That's all we need to conquer.

Newkirk
Oh really? Then what happened to that bloke Napoleon? I wouldn't call his empire flourishing with love. But he was pretty good at that art thieving though. The English always handled our empire with diplomacy.

LEBEAU
(insulted) Why I ought to punch the…

HOGAN
(annoyed) Guys! Enough already! Can we get back to business or do you wanna start another war? We just have to slip these wigs with adhesive and we're done. Who has the adhesive?

CARTER
I whipped up some liquid adhesive from a previous experiment…I'm not quite sure what the purpose of that was, but I meant to make aspirin.

HOGAN
Good work Carter.

KINCH
(raises eyebrow) Good work? That was meant to be aspirin! It's like saying an apple is an orange and vice versa!

CARTER
But they're both fruit though. So that makes sense. Unless it's a moot point. That reminds me of a song I learned as a kid about apples and bananas. (drifts into a nostalgic phase while everyone eyes him strangely)

HOGAN
Chill, what matters is that we have the adhesive. Now let's split.
Newkirk, Lebeau you're coming with me into Klink's bedroom. I'll light the way. Kinch, Carter you'll both slip on Schultz's wig. Think you can handle that?

KINCH/CARTER
Yes, sir. (Kinch rolls his eyes)


CUT TO:
NEAR KLINK'S BEDROOM-OUTSIDE

HOGAN
We're going to need to open that window.

NEWKIRK
No problem mate. Somebody give me a lift. (lights cigarette in mouth)

HOGAN
(smacks cigarette out of Newkirk's mouth) Newkirk! We don't want to start another Reichstag fire just yet!

LEBEAU
(sarcastically) Seriously, these English just don't know when to stop. It's like they're addicted or something.

NEWKIRK
So what? Like you French ain't got any bloody nasty habits? With your can-can and…

HOGAN
(exasperated) All right, all right! Would you both shut up for once and act like Allies. Geez, it's like you French and English were condemned to fight eternally!

NEWKIRK/LEBEAU
Stay out of this American!

HOGAN
Fine. But when Klink wakes up don't come running for me to bail you out.

LEBEAU
Sorry mon colonel.

CUT TO:
BARRACKS-OUTSIDE

CARTER
(To KINCH) You're sure blonde fits Schultz? I always imagined him with a salt and pepper mix. It would go well with his grey eyes. Don't you think so?



KINCH
(raises eyebrow and annoyed) What does it matter? Just put the damn thing on him already.

CARTER
It's just my honest opinion. I mean he has to look convincing. (applies adhesive on wig and puts it on Schultz and starts styling it with brush) (Schultz snores)

KINCH
Since when were you such a hair expert?

CARTER
I first picked it up from my mother and then before the war I picked up a few classes. In fact, I could've…

KINCH
Carter, we don't got much time.

(SCHULTZ turns his head and slightly lifts up his right leg and lets out a large poof of gas. Continues to snore.)

KINCH
My God, Carter! (pinches his nose) You're gonna wake the entire camp!

CARTER
Why are you blaming me? You're the one who ate that spicy enchilada dinner Lebeau made. Besides, I have a sensitive stomach.

KINCH
Well it wasn't me. I don't do that kind of stuff in public.

CARTER
And you think I would? Kinch, I really thought you knew me better. (pouts)

KINCH
(rolls eyes) Like I'd want to know. Besides, haven't you considered that it could be Schultz?





CARTER
Hmmm…makes sense I suppose. Well, it seems obvious. Guess that explains why it smelled like potato dumplings with seasoning and a bit of apple strudel.
KINCH
(cringes face) What? Nevermind. Let's get outta here. We got the job done already.

CUT TO:
KLINK'S BEDROOM-INSIDE

NEWKIRK
'Ey mates, it's bloody dark in here.

HOGAN
Oh, right. (turns on flashlight) You're next Lebeau.

(Lebeau climbs up and gracefully lands in bedroom)

LEBEAU
Aha! There's the rat! (tugs at Newkirk pointing at KLINK)

NEWKIRK
Well, let's see how the pretty princess will look. (sits at bedside while KLINK talks in his sleep)

KLINK
Mother will I be pretty? Will I be rich? Mother, tell me will I ride a horse with grace?

NEWKIRK
(chuckles) So, he talks to his mummy. Well, I think two can play this game. It'd be fun.

LEBEAU
Ha, and he thinks he's all high and mighty calling me 'cockroach'. He needs to grow up.

NEWKIRK
(imitating woman's voice to KLINK) Oh, you'll be pretty bald all right. Rich? Who needs to be rich when you will be stuck being a colonel with your looks. And you'll be needing that grace to fall from Heaven so you won't go to that winter wonderland Russia. Que sera, sera as they say. (To Lebeau) Put the bloody mop on him now.

LEBEAU applies adhesive and sticks the wig on KLINK



KLINK
(smiles in his sleep) I love you Mutti. Can I have some milk and cake now? I've been a good boy…

NEWKIRK
(still imitates woman's voice) Of course you can sweetie. Just remember to be a good Kommandant with those prisoners. They deserve a lot better. (To Lebeau) Can you believe this bloke didn't even hear a single word I said?

LEBEAU
(not amused) Would you quit it? The wig is on him.

NEWKIRK
I was just messin' with the chap… all right let's split.

NEWKIRK and LEBEAU slip through window. HOGAN closes it.

HOGAN
What took so long?

LEBEAU
Ask dreamboy here. (points to NEWKIRK)

NEWKIRK
What? Can't I have a bit of fun while on a mission? The bloke was talkin' to his mum so I thought I'd chime in.

HOGAN
Well, that's not surprising coming from Klink. So, how'd the wig turn out?

NEWKIRK
You want him to look like a bloody Fabio?

HOGAN
Exactly.

LEBEAU
Hmph. That's gonna take a miracle…


HOGAN
Just let the hair do the talking and take it from there. Klink has to meet with Burkhalter and Captain Mueller tomorrow anyway. Let's see how Kinch and Carter managed.

CUT TO:
BARRACKS-INSIDE

HOGAN
(to KINCH and CARTER) So, how'd it go with Schultz?

CARTER
It went swell. But I still think a salt/pepper mix would fit much better. (KINCH nudges CARTER) But blonde is not a bad choice. Oh man did that fart smell! (Everybody eyes him) I mean Schultz, of course.

KINCH
Nevermind him colonel. Schultz will wake up looking like Doris Day.

HOGAN
All right then. We got a Fabio and Doris Day. Good work crew.

NEWKIRK
And I found out Klink talks to his mummy in his sleep. Poor chap was probably hard to wean.

CARTER
Or maybe he finds a source of solace from his mother since he has no other female companions. Sometimes I think of my mother when I feel pathetic. If I remember my Freud correctly, there's a theory that…

HOGAN
Carter, I think we all could use some peace and quiet. Besides we should all get some shut eye. (Plops into bunk bed)

LEBEAU
What a crybaby! It's harder for a Frenchman to be without female company and not a single thought of my mother pops up.

HOGAN
Save it for another time Lebeau. Now get some sleep. Dream up your girls if you want but don't argue about it.

CUT TO:

KLINK'S BEDROOM- THE NEXT DAY

(KLINK wakes up and goes to the bathroom. Looks into mirror and screams)
KLINK
Oh Donnerwetter! What miracle has happened? That water is really the cure! I haven't had hair like this not even as an adolescent! The flowing brunette ringlets cascade right down to my shoulders! My prayer is finally answered! Wait till Burkhalter sees me now!

In KLINK'S OFFICE
(SCHULTZ enters)(SCHULTZ and KLINK exchange screams)

SCHULTZ
Herr Kommandant!

KLINK
SCHULTZ!

SCHULTZ
(stutters) How did did you you…?

KLINK
Don't you realize it's the water Dummkopf? And since when were you blonde?

SCHULTZ
I didn't even know I was blonde! I know nothing!

KLINK
Wait a minute. If that water is the cure to our hair maladies, then we should be able to request future shipments to be sent here at Stalag 13. But how to convince Burkhalter and Mueller is beyond me.

SCHULTZ
I don't know either. But even if we tell them the secret, they probably won't believe it.

KLINK
(cleaning his monocle) Tell them? Ha! Are you crazy? They'll probably want to relocate the water shipments elsewhere! I'm not stupid. (adjusts monocle on his face with some hassle)


SCHULTZ
But Herr Kommandant, they'll notice our hair. (combs hair with his fingers and gets a tangle)
KLINK
Well, we'll just make up something. Oh, I don't know, maybe, hair tonic or some natural herbal remedy…(frowns) and Schultz please don't run your sausage link fingers through your hair. It's really unbecoming. You look like an Italian chef jamming meat through a slicer.

SCHULTZ scratches his head. HELGA enters office.

HELGA
Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan is here to see you. (eyes Klink and Schultz strangely) Why, what happened to your heads? You both look like a couple of teenagers! You both look completely rejuvenated!

KLINK
(smiles proudly) Oh, it's something new. You like? (swishes hair)

HELGA
I suppose a haircut wouldn't hurt. (kind of sarcastically)

HELGA leaves. HOGAN enters office

HOGAN
My God! Colonel Klink! If I hadn't seen your name on the door I wouldn't even know it's you! You're a real Fabio! Whatever you did, worked wonders. (To SCHULTZ) And you Schultz! Why I'd think you were a model for a hair magazine! Check out those strands! (SCHULTZ smiles)

KLINK
Hogan, you know very well it was the water. But I'm not going to let you in on it. You still have hair to last at least another decade or so. (curious) A Fabio, eh? You really think so?

HOGAN
I wouldn't need to worry. It's just that if you want to keep your Fabio look, then I suggest you keep that water any way you can. That water will wear off in a couple of days. Besides, I'm sure your face will eventually end up in some Luftwaffe model manual or some media source.


KLINK
I know I'm an attractive man, Hogan. But I'm far too busy for flattery. General Burkhalter and Captain Mueller are coming for a meeting this morning and I need to convince them to continue water shipments here at Stalag 13. Hogan, please tell me what I should say!

HOGAN
My advice is to let them know who's the Kommandant of this place. Besides your looks should convince them enough.

KLINK
(annoyed) Hogan I'm serious about this!

HOGAN
(Looks at map on wall) Well, you could say that Stalag 13 is a strategic area for easy access and pickup. But then you got Stalag 6 and Stalag 9 for competition. Hmmm…

KLINK
I don't got much time! (fingers in hair)

HOGAN
Alright, don't get your hair all in tangles. Here's what should convince them. (Takes out documents) These are Luftwaffe approved plans signed by Goering to have the water shipped exclusively at Stalag 13.

KLINK
What?! How did you manage to…? Nevermind, I'll show them. (hesitates) You're sure this is not some trap for me?

HOGAN
Have I ever steered you wrong? You just gotta trust me on this. You know how much I want to help in on the war effort. I secretly root for you guys. (hidden sarcasm)

HELGA
(enters) Herr Kommandant, General Burkhalter and Captain Mueller are here. (leaves)
KLINK
Hogan, you're dismissed. Now get out! Dis-missed!

Enter BURKHALTER and MUELLER


BURKHALTER
Klink! I thought this was supposed to be a private meeting.

KLINK
(forces smile) Of course, good morning Herr General and Herr Kapitän. Hogan was just leaving. Schultz, see him out.

SCHULTZ
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant. Come Hogan, there's no secret sharing here.

SCHULTZ leaves with HOGAN. BURKHALTER and MUELLER surprised at KLINK's and SCHULTZ's sudden hair growth.

BURKHALTER
Klink! What is the meaning of this?!

MUELLER
There's no way hair can regenerate itself overnight at that rate.

KLINK
(obviously lying) Believe it or not, I tried some herbal remedy used by the Vikings of long ago sagas. Hogan naturally suggested it. He did mention I look like Fabio though. But I think a Viking is more noble.

BURKHLALTER
(extremely annoyed) Shut up! Fabio or Viking, I don't care! Just cut your hair according to Luftwaffe regulations or else you'll turn out like Santa Claus on the Russian Front! Or I will rip it off your skull!

KLINK
But…alright, alright!

MUELLER
(suspicious) I think there's more to it than that. I don't entirely trust you Klink nor Hogan. Now back to business. There are orders to ship the 'water' back to Berlin. Where could we ship the next shipment so that it safely reaches Berlin without any interference? (takes out map of Germany)

BURKHALTER
Hmmm, the last stop before reaching Berlin would be Frankfurt. But where is the nearest depot or Stalag?



KLINK
(interrupts and clears throat) There's no need to send the 'water' back to Berlin. I've got documentation from Feldmarschall Goering (waves it). I thought both of you knew about it.

MUELLER
Impossible! (snatches papers from KLINK) There's no way Goering could've approved for 'water' shipments to be sent to Stalag 13!

BURKHALTER
How do we know this isn't a forgery? (looks at documents)

MUELLER
All the General High Staff in Berlin signed and stamped them. Goering has the signature of a doctor's prescription that's practically inimitable.

BURKHALTER
I'm still confused. Why would Goering send this to Klink before any one of us? That doesn't follow protocol.

KLINK
(chuckles) Perhaps, I'm doing something right. Finally, Stalag 13 will have her place in 3rd Reich history.

BURKHALTER
Hmm…I'll take Goering's word for it. But I still don't know why he would plan such a thing. Not sure if that'll instill some faith in me about you Klink.

MUELLER
(adds) Or faith in the entire war effort…

BURKHALTER and MUELLER face each other and frown. KLINK in oblivion combing his hair with his fingers until wig falls off.

KLINK
(surprised and embarrassed) Oh my…

BURKHALTER and MUELLER eye KLINK with bemusement

MUELLER
Seems like someone has you playing the fool.

HOGAN barges in
HOGAN
(feigns surprise) Colonel Klink! What happened to your luxurious Fabio hair? I told you it wears off. Now you'll be just plain 'ole Klink with an extra mirror on his head. (refers to KLINK's baldness)

KLINK
Hogaaannn!!! Get out!! Or else 30 days in the cooler!!

SCHULTZ enters

SCHULTZ
Herr Kommandant, I meant to catch him but he was too fast for me. (notices KLINK's hair is gone) Uh, Herr Kommandant, where's your hair?

KLINK
Oh shut up! The same thing will happen to you.

HOGAN tugs at SCHULTZ's hair and falls off.

SCHULTZ
My hair!! But how could that be?

HOGAN
I think you guys need to learn more about hair management. It takes more work than you think. I'm talking from experience.

BURKHALTER
I've had enough of this circus! Let's go Mueller.

MUELLER
(to BURKHALTER) And Goering trusts this man to take charge of the 'water' shipments? How did he even manage to become Kommandant?

BURKHALTER
I don't even know myself…

CUT TO:
OUTSIDE-KLINK'S OFFICE

KLINK
(escorts BURKHALTER and MUELLER to staff car) Please, give my regards to the rest of the staff. You can come back anytime. (smiles)


BURKHALTER
I'm better off in Berlin.

MUELLER
Guess I'll be the one making frequent visits (sigh)

Car drives off.

HOGAN
(to KLINK) I thought they'd be glad to have the shipments here. Guess the hair didn't quite captivate them.

KLINK
Hogan, I don't appreciate your little games. I just don't understand how my real hair could've fallen off so easily.

HOGAN
You mean that piece of rug? It was so obvious.

KLINK
Hogaaaannn!!!


THE END
A little script I whipped up for a proposed deleted scene to Hogan's Heroes Season 1 ep 9: Go Light on the Heavy Water
Enjoy! Feel free to comment!
Add a Comment:
 
:iconmoogiesgirl77:
That was very funny (especially the anachronisms. 'Fabio' *Chuckles*), thank you!
Reply
:iconsans-coeur97:
sans-coeur97 Feb 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This is awesome! It felt like I was actually watching the show! I would've loved to see this on Hogan's Heroes xD
Reply
:iconironfish-383:
I enjoyed this very much! Its very well written and very funny, I love how you made Newkirk in this scene, the part where he imitated Klink's mother was priceless! I also loved Hogan's remark about burning down Reichstag again. You did a fantastic job writing this, and may I ask, are you going to continue writing these snippets or was this just a one time thing? I'm sorry, I just tend to get a bit excited when I see a more recently uploaded piece of Hogan's Heroes here on DeviantART, I really love the show, its just kind of difficult to find fellow fans.

By the way, nice avatar!

Once again, excellent work!
Reply
:iconhydroalchemist:
HydroAlchemist Nov 2, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks for your awesome comment. I am completely flattered! I am more than glad to see a fellow fan appreciate random works of HH. I too am helplessly in love with HH...
This piece was meant for a HH deleted scene contest but the group I submitted this to has kind of been inactive, so I just thought to give it some support. Also, in the scene where Newkirk answers back to Klink in his sleep, I made a reference to the song "Que Sera,Sera" (if anyone noticed lol)

I actually love writing scripts/fanfics and when it comes to HH I just go *fangirl craze* Ahem, anyway, I'd be elated to write more scripts if ppl like them and as long as I have new ideas to work with!

LOL my avatar (fangirl obviousness)...thanks again. And I'm honored to meet another HH fan :happybounce:
Reply
:iconironfish-383:
You're very welcome! Hogan's Heroes literature work is a bit difficult to find, well good work without any OC's or smut and/or pairings. That's all I seem to find these days. In the past few months Hogan's Heroes has surpassed my current "fandom" as my favorite show.

Oh that's cool, the only Hogan's Heroes group I know about on here doesn't have too much activity and that's sad. Its excellent that you are supporting it! I guessed it was some type of reference, but I didn't know. I thought he was saying something in Spanish. I should look it up.

Same, same! They're very fun to do, the best part with Hogan's Heroes is that its kind of an open ballpark. There are some holes in the actual storyline, such as what happened to Kinch after Ivan Dixon's departure from the show and how did Baker get there when Kenneth Washington replaced Mr. Dixon, that can be written by fans.
You really should! :D

No problem! It's wonderful to meet a fellow fan!

Also, thank you for the watch. :iconbummyplz:
Reply
:iconthe-french-belphegor:
The-French-Belphegor Oct 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Very nice, and very much in the spirit of the show! Liked it a lot :)
Reply
:iconhydroalchemist:
HydroAlchemist Oct 6, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Why thank you! I tried as much as I can imagining myself in the writers' seat of Hogan's Heroes. I've watched so many episodes, I just let my brain soak it all in. I'm sooo in love with the show!
Reply
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